Thursday, June 9, 2016

Seven Awesome Conservative Lifehacks
The internet is full of helpful hints for making everybody else’s life simpler, but where are the lifehacks for conservatives? There are helpful hints for frazzled moms, dopey college students, and every other demographic, but as usual, we normals get overlooked. No more!

1.     Reclaim your time by unsubscribing to junk emails. If you’ve ever given money to a conservative cause, or especially to a fake conservative cause, every single conservagrifter, republiscammer, and rip-off with “Tea Party” in its name is now clogging your inbox with junk. This kind of time banditry is super annoying – yes, of course, I want the GOP to stand up to Obama’s gun grab, so stop sending me your damn polls! But it’s also a timesuck. You spend at least 15 seconds a day deleting this junk. That’s two minutes a week, 104 minutes a year. Save nearly two hours a year by taking five minutes right now to go through your emails and unsubscribe to all those useless newsletters, fake alerts, and other unwanted dreck. Just make sure you don’t accidentally unsubscribe to Townhall’s daily newsletter or Jim Geraghty’s Morning Jolt. They rule.

2.     Make a real difference by picking a local race and helping out. As a practical matter, the presidential race is going to be what it is no matter what you do, so find a local race and intervene with time and money. There, your personal influence is going to be exponentially greater, and you’ll help the movement by building the farm team while enacting conservative policies at the state and local levels. I help out with this West Point dad here in the belly of the blue beast, and damn if we weren’t.

3.     Use Twitter, but responsibly. Social media is great for connecting with like-minded patriots, and you need to be on it to really see what’s happening. No one on Twitter was surprised to see Trump’s success – maybe they weren’t happy about Trump’s success, but they weren’t surprised. It’s always baffling to go to some speaking engagement and have about two-thirds of the audience respond with a blank stare when social medial gets mentioned. It, particularly Twitter, is the pulse of the movement and it will link you to the key columns and articles du jour. Of course, you will encounter mouth-breathing idiots, but you can generally block them and focus on key people whose insights you absolutely must have. You know, like me.

4.     Boycott liberal crap. Are you tired of turning on the tube and being sideswiped by some left-wing meme that comes out of nowhere to ruin your show? Stop watching. Save yourself the aggravation. There’s plenty of other stuff to watch. Just take a minute to post your gripe on Facebook – the studios pay for social media monitors to watch the social media chatter. You want to leverage those soulless suits into drafting notes to the producers that says something along the lines of “Last night’s show was great, super great, but let’s dial back the politics stuff about 100%. It’s killing us in the key ‘employed and not living in mom’s basement’ demographic.”

5.     Unsubscribe to your liberal local paper. Yeah, it’s time to move from paying for newsprint to checking out only stuff you are actually interested in on-line. Actually, it was time 10 years ago. Unless your paper is running a superb columnist like Salena Zito or Michael Walsh or James Lileks, it’s time to pull the trigger and put your commie tabloid out of your misery.

6.     Actually live the values conservatives talk about. Sure, we’re pretty good at articulating moral values, but here’s the thing – they aren’t just morally right. They actually make your like better. Have a job and don’t sponge off others – this will not only provide you with money but also the self-satisfaction that comes with not being a parasite. Oh, and don’t cheat on your spouse. Divorce is expensive and unpleasant and no one has ever had a good one. Try not to have (or cause) babies out of wedlock – you know, there are a wide variety of techniques and pharmaceuticals designed to prevent unintended reproduction. You should try those. But when you do intend to have kids – and you should, because we need to outbreed these barren, frigid liberal losers – teach them not to be little savages. And if you do all those things, not only will your life be infinitely better but our society will be infinitely better. After all, most of the truly awful liberal policies we hate are designed to shift the economic consequences of the bad decisions of Democrat voters in these areas to our pocketbooks.

7.     Buy Ammo.  Do you really have to ask why? Just look around. Don’t be the guy standing there in the midst of the chaos muttering, “Gee, if I had only noticed that the entire world was going to hell and stocked up on bullets while there were still stores.” Be the guy saying, “Sure, I can trade you some 5.56 rounds for some delicious canned food or gasoline” or “And I have ten more mags, and all my friends have ten more mags, so if you don’t want to end up like your friends lying there you better run.”

2 comments:

  1. Diane, can you clarify some things for me? By your numbers:
    1.) When you say fake conservative cause, does that include "fake" news blogs too?
    2.) When you say "pick a local race" you mean "select a nearby white person" right?
    3.) Twitter? Can I get that on my jitterbug flip phone?
    4.) When you say "boycott liberal crap" does that mean we should send back all the money that is sent from the blue states?
    5.) What's a paper?
    6.) So does "live the values conservatives talk about" include stoning of adulterers?
    7.) Rather than buying ammo, could I just tighten up my tinfoil hat?

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  2. In a word...cluesless. Oh and might i add you are a total waste of my time as you don't even have the courage to sign your name...coward.

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